So as part of my CBT, I’m on a self critical ban which to say the least is hard. I find myself having a constant battle – thinking bad thoughts, then challenging these thoughts, then reasoning, then reviewing and then thinking some more. It’s driving me crazy! It’s making me realise how much I put myself down, even before I’ve brushed my teeth in the morning.
‘I’m a waste of space’
‘I can’t cope’
‘I’m afraid of everything’
‘Fear and anxiety control my life’
‘I’m always anxious’
‘I’m just stupid, it’s obviously just all in my head’
‘Why am I even here’
‘I can’t even do the simplest of things like shopping, how ridiculous’
‘I’m fat and ugly and not worth the effort’
‘People don’t like me, they don’t get me, they think I’m strange’
‘I hate myself’
Trust me they go on and on and on…
I know they are no good for me, but how do you stop something that has been apart of your life for so long, and is no longer an experience but more of a habit or a routine?
Over these years I have lost myself to the anxiety and depression. And it’s exhausting! I no longer live my life, yet just exist out of concerns for the effects it would have on my family if I wasn’t here. I have become so fearful of everything that I am even fearful of life itself.
I understand how precious and delicate life is, yet sometimes I find myself thinking that my life doesn’t come under this category, mine seems quite disposable but I’m so scared of the thought of dying; being blind, living in a state of floating black and being left alone with only my thoughts. The constant battering from them, the questions, the lack of answers, the over-thinking of every small detail. I feel like a prisoner to my own mind. To be left alone with only my mind and nothing more seems like hell. Now that is a scary thought!
It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Life with it’s anxiety or death with it’s unknown reality. Obviously the option I should choose is life and with the help of cognitive behavioural therapy I am realising that my life is not disposable but important just like everyone else’s. Part of CBT is to learn how to control anxiety and thoughts, so if I minus these from the equation all that would remain would be ‘life’, now that seems worth the fight, much better then my two original options.
It’s going to take me time, but eventually I will get to that option of just life, without the anxiety, without the thoughts. Life will be mine and I will be able to choose where it goes from there. I will no longer be controlled by fear.