I set myself the task of going to the library on my own today as I knew Glen was at work, so I had no one to fall back on or anyone to come home to or rely on.
I got up and dressed, carried out my new morning routine then thought I might as well go to the library first thing before I started doing anything else because I knew I would spend the rest of the day procrastinating and end up not go to the library if I didn’t do it right away.
I wrote myself a little list of the things I wanted to do to help keep me focused and to distract my mind from wondering down the negative thought road…
I left for the library shortly after getting dressed. I felt a little scared when I opened the front door and really nervous but I looked at my list and focused.
Whilst walking down the road I was very aware of everyone around me, everyone seemed very busy and rushing around. A few people bumped into me and this put me in a negative mood. I felt everyone was invading my space. I wanted to be left alone. However I didn’t change my mind and walk back home, instead I carried on forward.
When I entered the library I was a bit wobbly and panicked but thought to myself ‘I can do this’, ‘I need to this’ and ‘I want to do this’.
I found the library machine to return my book but as I went to approach it, someone called out my name. It was a girl I knew from my volunteer group but needless to say I wasn’t in the mood to talk, I was already pushing myself so far in going to the library alone that I didn’t want to have to deal with my social awkwardness on top. I would definitely panic.
There was no way getting out of it though, she started to approach me.
I could feel the panic bubbling in me but took a deep breath and turned to face her…
The awkwardness set in and I felt silly.
I tried my best to not let the feelings take over, I tried my best to not notice my own fiddling and awkwardness but I couldn’t help it. I felt so stupid and all I could think about was if she noticed I was being awkward. Then I started to think about what I would do if I had a panic attack in front of her. How embarrassing it would be.
I tried to stay focused on the conversation but it was so hard, I was distracted by my own thoughts.
I decided to take action and put a stop to it before I got any more distracted or overwhelmed.
I told her that I had to get on with what I was doing but I hope she was well and we would catch up soon. I hope I didn’t appear to be rude, I don’t think I did, but I just needed it to end so I could get back to my list and focus. The negative thoughts were seeping in and I needed to stop them in there tracks.
I got on with my list, I returned my book, picked up my new one and even had a good long look at the DVD’s, just to keep pushing and testing the boundary to see how far I could go whilst remaining comfortable.
I left the library shortly after and my positive mood had returned from the other day. I felt amazing again. I had done it.
I remembered my list and easily walked to the corner shop at the top of my road. I got both my filters and staples, queuing perfectly fine.
I strolled back to mine, unlocked the door, walked in, shut the door behind me and exhaled. I’ll admit I felt a little overwhelmed and tired by it all when I sat down but it was such a good feeling, to know that I had done that all on my own. I’ve really missed being able to do things on my own, fingers crossed this is the start of regaining my independence again. One small step at a time.