Doomed If I Do Doomed If I Dont

This week has been so busy and with everything that has been going on my new routine has fallen out of the window.

I’ve noticed my mood changing and I’m only just realising now, how much of a positive affect my new routine has on me and how much better it makes me feel.

On Wednesday I was so tired that I decided to have a lay in but then when I got up I felt bad about it! And now that I notice my negative thoughts it’s so hard to stop thinking about them!

It’s like you realise they are there and you try telling yourself to stop thinking in such a negative way but the fact is it’s a lot harder said then done. So by Wednesday afternoon I felt quite down, which really wasn’t helping my outlook on the meeting I was due to have at the Job Centre the next day.

I originally planned to pop down town first before the meeting so I could get some odd jobs done but with my mood deteriorating over the last few previous days, it just really wasn’t going to happen.

I felt like a let down. (Another negative thought I couldn’t stop thinking about.)

Firstly there was getting out of the door… I had Glen with me but I was so nervous and the front door just seemed overwhelming. Each time I turned my back on it I’m sure it doubled in size.

So Glen took my arm and led the way.

I was so nervous I felt sick. I don’t know what I expected but I was dreading it! Stupid I know as I was the one to make the appointment!!

When we was approaching the Job Centre all my usual symptoms where creeping in…

Sweaty palms. Sickness. Dizziness. Sense of un-realness. Paranoia.

I was sure there was about to be a catastrophe… Not that I knew what kind of a catastrophe! Just something dreadful!

It didn’t matter what I thought or how I thought, it seemed like the end of the world, which was in all a shot in the foot after the success of the last week!

I made it into the Job Centre by clinging on to Glen, goodness knows what the receptionist thought of me, by looking at the state of me she probably thought I was on drugs.

I was waiting for what felt like an eternity before I was seen, leaving my mind to go into scatty panic mode.

I breathed a sigh of relief though when I met my adviser as they came across really friendly and generally put me at ease.

With the help of Glen I explained to the adviser why I was there and what I was seeking.

In response the adviser told me that it didn’t matter that I had called because after the medical exams in early June everyone would be called in to come see him anyway…

This really annoyed me! I had taken the first step. A huge, very scary step, yet it didn’t matter? I felt a little insulted, at least I was trying and making an effort!

Things just went down hill from there.

The adviser started talking about a work programme they were going to be putting people on which, when you are claiming Employment and Support Allowance includes you, is compulsory and for the length of 2 years!

I stopped listening around this point as total fear overwhelmed me! I couldn’t concentrate on their words, as my mind filled and overflowed with all kinds of negative thoughts.

Every now and again I caught wisps of the conversation but each time I wished I hadn’t…

The adviser was saying how it might be best to put me in the young persons group, focused at 16 – 24 year olds, ‘to help me understand I’m not the only one in this position’.

HA! What a joke!

The course is in fact for people on Job Seekers Allowance which generally implies they are not ill but healthy and job seeking, so please someone tell me how this will help me to understand I’m not the only one in this position?

It really annoys me! People just look at me and assume because I am ‘young’ there is nothing really that wrong with me.

Like my previous doctor, they just seem to think I am exaggerating my symptoms and practically making it up as I go.

DRIVES. ME. MAD.

Then he goes on to start asking me what jobs I could do.

WOW! Slow down horse!

How can I start thinking of jobs when I can’t even get out of the door?

I don’t know what I was expecting but it wasn’t this!?

All I wanted was some help, a group aimed at helping people with disabilities or illness maybe? A course for increasing confidence? Or even some tiny volunteer work?

A MIRACLE PERHAPS?

(Negative thought coming in…) I knew this was going to be bad idea!

The meeting ends with the adviser telling me that I need to have a think about what jobs I could do, and that at the next meeting we will have a discussion about this and start to think about applying to places.

(Negative thought coming in…) I knew this was going to be a VERY BAD IDEA!

So all I wanted was a one off meeting with some advice but what I had was a fear inducing, panic driving, sick gut feeling, nervous making, hell of a meeting! Oh and not forgetting I now have to go back.

(Negative thought coming in…)  I’M DOOMED!

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