Another very unsuccessful week.
I had arranged to help my Mum decorate her hallway and it was going to be a big job so I had to stay at hers, meaning my new routine went out the window and the change of location / situation sent me spiraling…
Prior to staying at my Mum’s I had noticed that my agoraphobia was getting worse again but I just kind of hoped it would go away.
Everything was beginning to scare me again. I had managed to deal with my agoraphobia for a while but now it was flaring up once more, like a rash that just won’t go away.
Simple things like opening the front door, stepping on to the pavement and getting into my Mum’s car where getting me worked up and anxious.
I noticed about two weeks ago, but I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to. I was doing so well! I mean come on, I had managed to walk five minutes down the road, completely on my own to the library and back, only just a month ago!
I couldn’t bring myself to think that I had done this and was now finding it hard to just open the damn door! It was like being shown a glimmer of hope, an alternative way of living, a glimpse of what it was like before my break down, to just have it all stamped on.
Well, no one would want to acknowledge it, would they?
So I just kept on, pretending everything was fine.
I shouldn’t of though. I know this now. It probably made matters worse to be honest.
One evening whilst staying at my Mum’s, she asked me if I would walk her dog for her over the field, opposite the house.
At first I didn’t think anything of it, and was happy to, but as soon as the door opened and I stepped out alone with the dog my world began to spin.
I got to the field on legs like jelly.
Everything felt weird, even the air seemed humid and suffocating.
I kept looking at the floor thinking everything seemed out of proportion, my legs looked to long, the grass looked too high, the dog looked too small and the world looked too big.
I tried my best to block out the thoughts but I was panicking… In the middle of a damn field, with a scatty dog and nothing but fear to accompany me!
Needless to say I walked around that field in record time with the dog literally dragging behind me.
I got back to my Mum’s and didn’t say a word, but she knew. She could see the fearful look in my eyes and the white wash of my skin.
It was time to admit to myself that yet again I had reached another bump in the road.