So, I’ve been missing for a month now… Where have I been!? Well, I’ve been working on my blog, which is now currently up and running online, all up to date and ready to view.
I’ve been so busy sorting out my blog, editing my diary entries, setting up the website that I haven’t had time to just write. I’ve been very preoccupied!
It’s easy to say that from my last blog entry I wasn’t in a very good place and I’m still not to be honest.
My agoraphobia is still really bad at the moment, I’m so scared to step out of my own front door that it is infuriating! The depression is making me exhausted and the anxiety is making me want to pull my hair out!
I’ve been thinking about why lately, why I seem to have taken such a giant leap back and I think I finally know the answer…
I’m still waiting for my results from the medical I had done with ATOS Healthcare for my Employment and Support Allowance.
At first I didn’t really think about it, I tried to shrug it off, thinking if they take my benefits away then I will just have to declare myself as fit for work and swap over to Job Seekers Allowance.
But who am I kidding?
I’m not fit for work! I have so many steps to take first, how can I even consider work when I can’t get out of my own front door!?
As the weeks have gone on, and the waiting has become longer I have noticed my anxiety rising, but there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can do to change the situation and nothing I can do to make myself relax about the situation.
I find myself counting down the days until I next get paid, worried what I will do if they decide to take me off, how I will pay my bills, how I will manage to keep my house, how I will manage to cope.
I’m so scared that I have nightmares. It takes me hours to get to sleep and then when I am a sleep I want to wake up because my dreams are plagued with all the possibilities of being homeless and moneyless.
When I first went for the medical I was bad enough. I was a nervous wreck, I didn’t sleep for days, I suffered with bad paranoia and was so anxious that by time I got to the medical I was exhausted. And now that my future is in someone else’s hand I’m no longer a wreck but a hazardous, unexploded, bomber ship wreck.
After watching the Channel 4 documentary about ATOS as well, and now knowing that only 12% of Employment and Support Allowance claimants are be put through is really not helping me!
I shouldn’t of watched it whilst waiting for my own decision!
Therefore this is why I find myself thinking that this is the reason I have taken such a step back.
Think about it, before the medical I was doing great; one day a week volunteer work, not batting an eyelid when going out the house accompanied by someone, finally managing to visit the new library, feeling confident I was getting somewhere with the help of my cognitive behavioural therapy, but now that has all changed and it is all because of having to wait for ATOS / ESA / DWP to make their decision…
Remember that story? Three Billy Goats Gruff?
It feels like I’m in that story…
I was on my way to somewhere better but then I came to a bridge that I had to take. There was no way of avoiding it, so I had to step across it. When I put my foot on the bridge a troll snatched me up and now holds me in his giant, human-crushing hands.
My fate is now in that Troll’s hands.
Will he crush and consume me? Or will he let me continue on the path I was taking?