What a long time! Nearly a whole month without a word!
Well, I have been here… honest!
I’ve been thinking about blogging, but I just haven’t had the motivation to do it, lots has been happening lately and well, I’ve generally just been feeling a bit down.
If you don’t already know I’ve had my benefits stopped and this is pretty much why my mood is so crap.
I sent off all my paperwork to the DWP, including my six page letter which listed all the faults I found with the report from my ‘medical examination’ but I know that it doesn’t matter what I say, this is going to take forever to sort out and I don’t know if I have the fight in me to do it or the strength to see it through.
Not many people actually know this but this is my second time I am having to fight for my income.
That’s probably why it’s hit me so hard this time, I’ve been there done that, got the t-shirt and the debt to prove it.
I was declared fit for work last year, scoring 12 points out of the required 15, and it took months for it to be resolved. Luckily I didn’t have to go to Tribunal as I had enough evidence and convincing information for those three extra points to be awarded, but still I know the process, I know how stressful and demeaning it is and all I can think is I’ve got to go through this again.
Is it going to become an annual thing? Because if it is I don’t think I can cope with it. You know you hear these cases of how ‘ATOS Kills’ well I think I could become one of those cases. Sorry to be so blunt.
I’m putting on a good show though. Look strong and you’ll eventually feel strong, right?
I had such a battle last year, I went 5 weeks without any income at all. Thank god for my partners wages, that is all I can say! I really did think that after winning my appeal last year that they might leave me alone for a bit, but I was wrong.
The compulsory medical popped up before I could even blink and now here I am again, fighting for pittance and begging for the few pennies I’m surely entitled to. All to declare that I’m not fit for work, confessing all my deepest and darkest feelings which in turn really does make me feel like a complete and utter nutter.
I must say thank you to ATOS and the DWP though as I now know my mental illness inside and out, because every year I find myself having to re-explain it to them over and over again.
Constantly having to explain what is ‘wrong’ with you, why your not ‘normal’, why your not the same as everyone, why you can’t work to support yourself.
Honestly, it won’t change. I’ve come to terms with that, miracles don’t happen, it’s about time ATOS and DWP came to terms with it too.
Because then, just maybe, they will stop putting me through hell and making my anxiety worse for the most part of the year.
Then, just maybe, I might be allowed the chance to focus on myself to get better.
But miracles just don’t happen.