It’s pretty clear to say I haven’t been around lately. To be exact, three months without a single blog post!
I am sorry. Truly.
But you see I’ve been hiding for a while…
With the appeal process of my benefits going through I’ve become increasingly paranoid. Some part of my brain seems to think I’m being followed everywhere, being watched and having every word listened to.
Deep down I know I’m not, but claiming benefits makes you feel that way. Like your expected to just have bad days because that one day that you have a good day, you’ll be penalised for it!
It’s like all I can imagine is one day finding the strength to try and walk to a shop alone, and on that one day I try, I get ‘caught’ and photographed by the benefits department and then punished for it.
So ultimately all these paranoid thoughts, mixed in with my normal chaotic ones are making me rather ill. Knocking my anxiety levels in to the sky and leaving me pretty wobbly every day.
It’s so frustrating.
Before my benefits were stopped, I was getting better, I know I was, I could feel it. I wasn’t as scared any more and there were things I was managing to do.
Simple things to you, but ground breaking challenges to me!
- A trip across the road to the corner shop. I would take my phone, keys and rescue remedy just in case something happened during the two-minute trip, but I could do it.
- Take a train journey with Glen and Barry to visit a quiet museum. I would have a whole itinerary plan including what to do in an emergency and I would walk the whole way round the museum clinging to Glen, but I could do it.
- Visit the library with Glen and wander around alone. I would walk up the stairs towards the library clutching the banister for dear life and be panicking for the first half of my visit, but I could do it.
- Take my Mum’s dog for a walk over the field near her house. I would talk to the dog like a mad woman to try to distract myself from thinking and panicking, but I could do it.
- Go to a shopping centre with my Mum and sisters. I would walk around holding onto my nieces pram like it was a life saving raft from shark infested waters, but I could do it.
- Go for a long walk along the beach with Glen. I would get to a certain point, start to feel uncomfortable and have to ask to start walking back, but I could do it.
Now though there is no ‘I could do it’. Just fear.
A fear that keeps me housebound and hiding.