In my last post ‘Dementia and a Strained Relationship’ I explained about my relationship with my Nan and her dementia.
Now, I said there was a reason for it and here it is… she’s dying.
The last time I saw her was about two weeks ago and she was recovering from the effects of a mini stroke, she’s now been taken to hospital though due to major dehydration as she’s stopped eating and drinking as she can’t swallow anymore.
I didn’t really want to go see her, but I knew my Mum needed me so I went with her to the hospital.
I don’t know what I was expecting.
Probably just to see the same dementia ridden woman I’ve been seeing since I was fourteen.
But this time it was different.
She was so different.
She was still that dementia ridden woman but it’s as though the disease’s clouds had cleared from her eyes, leaving only fear which reflected more of my ‘real’ Nan then I could ever comprehend.
She was so fragile and vulnerable.
There is nothing that can be done for her and it is inevitable that she will die.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
But I do know that;
I feel sad that I am losing my Nan.
I feel relieved that her suffering will finally end.
I feel confused about feeling sad and relieved at the same time.
I feel haunted by the image of her in that hospital bed.
I feel disappointed with myself for not being able to love her as much as I use to.
I feel guilty for resenting her when I was a teenager.
I feel ashamed for trying to avoid her over these years.
I feel angry with what dementia has done to her.
I feel annoyed with myself for not being able to cope.
I feel disgusted with myself for not being able to see her as my ‘real’ Nan.
I feel distraught for what my Mum must be feeling.
I feel anxious about what is to come.
I feel that fear that was reflected in her eyes.