I’m Maybe-Not-Am Jealous

I’m not jealous.

Honest.

I mean it’s great. He’s doing great.

Suddenly from household hermit to working four days a week, earning a nice little pay packet, socialising with work colleagues, making new friends… pretty much a completely different person.

But I’m happy for him.

A person now with out the mental health issues and hold ups.

Free.

How though?

That’s what I want to know.

How do you go from that person with a mental health problem who’s classed as a vulnerable individual of the society, to that person who is a normal healthy human being no longer vulnerable or reliant?

I want that.

Oh gosh do I want that.

But I’m not jealous.

I’m happy for him. My friend Barry that is.

Barry

But seriously, how? Do you wake up one morning and think, “you know what, lets forget this mental shit and just get on with it”, then from that point onward you just start living life instead of just fearing it?

Does that happen?

Is it my time soon?

Oh, can it, please? I want to be normal too…

Barry has always been slightly like me but now he’s better and in a way moving on from that old part of his life. I feel like I’m losing him or maybe I am the thing being lost along the way.

He’s still him deep down I suppose but it feels different, our friendship feels different. Like two magnets that have switched around, no longer pulling towards each other but pushing apart.

Is it normal to feel that way, or is it just me and my mess of a head jumping to conclusions?

I really am happy for him but I wish I could move on with him.

I’m not jealous though.

But then…

No! I’m not jealous.

But I mean…

Why couldn’t it be me?

Maybe I am a little jealous, I mean, his illness was very similar to mine and now he’s just suddenly recovered and has everything he dreamed of and more… Then there’s me still stuck in the “mental mud” so maybe I can be a little jealous?

I’m not-maybe-am jealous.

Stuck in the Mental Mud

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