I may have had good news for you the last time I posted but this time I don’t.
I knew my ‘depressive episodes where becoming more frequent’ but now…
They are consuming me.
Since Glen has started his new job I’m on my own a lot more, and in all honesty I’m lonely.
He worked before but nowhere near as much as he does now so I hardly see him. A quick kiss goodbye in the morning, a two-hour chat in the evening and then that’s it five days a week.
I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.
I know this is a great opportunity for him though and I’m angry at myself for feeling lonely, becoming more depressed and in a way also feeling jealous of him. I should be supportive of him, happy for him and thankful for all he is doing to help make our future dreams come true!
But my thoughts won’t stop. They won’t allow me to just be grateful.
They plague me.
One reoccurring thought I’m having at the moment is that he will leave me: He’ll be at work one day when a beautiful woman walks in, they start talking and he soon discovers that she is utterly amazing and utterly sane… Why waste his time with an insecure nut job like me when he can have this beautiful, secure, confident woman?
Oh god just even typing it and saying it out loud has brought a lump to my throat and a burn in my stomach.
I hate myself for the way I’m thinking.
I hate who I am. I hate my mind and I hate my body. I hate pretty much everything there is about me.
It’s like although we have been together for nine years I still can’t believe that he loves me.
I feel like I have nothing to offer or give in return.
I’m just this fat, black, pile of mess on the floor.
Nothing worthy of love.
If trying to deal with my mind isn’t enough my body has decided to give up too.
I’ve had the flu for around two weeks now and it’s getting to the point where I’m experiencing sleep deprivation due to lack of clear airways.
This probably really isn’t helping my situation.