I’m going to share something with you, something that I have only ever shared with one other person in my life.
But it’s time. I want to open up and show how depression can really affect someone.
I’m not doing this to get pity. I’m doing this so that other sufferers know they are not alone. Things they may do and things they may think, are not abnormal but in fact just part of this illness.
When suffering from depression it can warp your mind so much, you become it’s victim, just a puppet to it’s thoughts.
When I suffer an extreme depressive episode, I disappear into my head. I kinda just float along, blurry eyed and unaware or everything around me.
It literally consumes me.
It has not been uncommon for me to hurt myself during these depressive episodes.
When I was younger I use to cut myself but now it has become more of an unconscious habit to pull out my hair, or scratch and bite myself.
All of which are coping mechanisms.
Anyone who has had therapy will know what this means… It’s something you do to help you feel more in control of your self and of your life.
Over the years I have tried to stop using these methods, and have found that a much more safer and less harmful coping method, is something I call ‘manic writing’.
It’s simple… You just let your mind write down whatever is going on inside it.
Instead of taking it out on yourself you take it out on a piece of paper.
Scribble. Scratch. Scrawl.
Just let your mind write whatever it wants, in the way it wants.
Below is a copy of some manic writing I done a couple of weeks ago during a very bad episode.
It’s extremely personal and I must warn you that what I have written is not in anyway nice and it does contain a lot of swearing. I suppose in a way that it’s quite abusive towards myself too.
But I’m not ashamed to share it.
This is what depression can do to your mind and this is how it personally affects me.
My Manic Writing
I wish I could die and just leave everyone alone. But I’m a chicken. Too scared to face the unknown.
Everyone would be better off without me. I’m just an annoyance, a hindrance, the lowest of all sleaze.
All I do is make enemies, no one really likes me. Those few I do love even they truly hate me.
All I hear is the voice inside: It’s all your fault Charlotte! Your the cause of every piece of shit! You do it, you do! No one else just you! You over react, you take things personally, you twist them in your head, you let me sink my teeth into them. Feed them back to you poisoned. It’s all your fucking fault! You do this! All of this!
Just a simple thing and you blow it out of proportion. Everything annoys you, everything bugs you, you can’t live with anything or anyone! And those who are around you know you don’t deserve them. All they do is whisper about you. Talk behind your back about you. They all hate you. Every single fucking one of them.
God knows why they are still around, probably just out of guilt in case you done something stupid but you won’t will you because your a fucking pussy! Not got the guts to do anything in life, not even got the guts to end your life. Such a waste of space you are!! Go on do it! Who would fucking miss you anyway… NO ONE!
Mum would be glad to get rid of you, all you do is make her cry, without you she would be so much more happier. No problem child to deal with, just the amazing Lisa and the ever so caring Kelly! They wouldn’t give a shit either. To Lisa your an embarrassment. To Kelly your just a guilty square of her conscience.
And don’t get me started on Glen. Like he would give a shit! All you do is hold the poor fucker down. All you do is stop the guy from living. Ask his family, they will all tell you how you ruined him. He would move on quickly, probably be grateful to get rid of you. It would do him the world of good. I mean who are you kidding anyway, he don’t fucking love you. He’s just waiting for something better to come along. I mean look at you. The fucking state of it!
Fucking spots, saggy tits, a face rounder then a pigs, stretch marks up to your ears! Your fucking ugly but you try to ignore it. Use this cream, apply that make up, wear so many stupid fucking layers you look even more fatter you stupid prick!
NO ONE WANTS YOU!
NO ONE LOVES YOU!
If you had a gun would you do it!? Because you fucking well should!