I feel weak for doing it but I couldn’t see a way out.
I think I had to really.
I was going slightly mad… More than usual anyway.
I’ve referred myself for counselling.
This will be my second shot at counselling, the first time being back in 2009 after my breakdown.
Why do I sound so dubious about it?
Because I am.
Let’s just say I didn’t have the best start in life and this seems to get dredged up every time I have any form of therapy; and when I had counselling last, they dug up the whole ship wreck and examined it piece by piece. It was awful.
Why have I referred myself then?
In all honesty because I need someone to talk to about things, to get things straight in my head, before I try to do home surgery and remove the thoughts manually.
I won’t go into great detail but my relationship with my eldest sister, Kelly, has had a major breakdown. I’m confused by it all and not dealing with it very well.
On top of this I feel like my life is at a major crossroads. Everything is changing and I feel really overwhelmed by it all. This petrifies me because the last time I felt like this, it was the beginning of my breakdown and the start of becoming panic disordered.
I know I shouldn’t look back to my breakdown but it’s hard to not draw comparisons and come to the conclusion that I’m heading down that road again, when it all seems so similar.
I can usually keep a cap on my thoughts, keep a little control but lately? Well, I’m in a constant battle. Consumed.
The prospect of my future terrifies me. It’s even more daunting when I think about my sister, who I thought would always be there for me, especially during the big scary events looming around the corner. But I don’t think she will be.
I feel heartbroken and as though I have lost a best friend.
I’m absolutely and utterly lost.