Employment, Anxiety, Karma & Bricks

Apparently I done even better in the interview then I expected… They offered me the job! BUT before you congratulate me on finally being an employed person you should know… I had to say no.

I couldn’t take it. I really did want to, like really, REALLY wanted to, but I just couldn’t.

If I did we would loose so much of our income; I would lose all my benefits, and after travel expenses too I would only earn £80 a month.

Yes, that’s what I said, £80 A MONTH.

And before you say it, no, we wouldn’t be entitled to any kind of benefits or help because of Glen being self employed, our ages and me being ‘able’ to get to work.

I tried and looked at every single possibility.

I mean, I even considered getting a bike to save on travel costs! And trust me when I say I can’t ride a bike to save my life. You know that comical image of a child learning to ride a bike and when the parent lets go the bike and child just literally fall to the side… Well that’s me. Yep twenty four years old and I still need stabilisers. Not something I’m proud of.

Me Ride A Bike

I wish I could have just said no and felt okay about it. But I’m not. Like really not.

Remember back when I done the bit about ‘thinking errors’? Well, I’m crossing off about every single one on that list.

I’m convinced I’ve done the wrong thing, cursed myself for any future job opportunity and ruined any hope I had at becoming employed.

I feel like it was my one and only chance and I have blown it. Said no to the one opportunity I will ever be given… I will surely pay for this.

Karma will come round and tell me how ungrateful I am and punish me until I wilt and crumble under it’s pressure.

My ‘domineering negative voice’ is having oh-so much fun.

If anyone saw my Twitter feed on the 20th January (the day I found out) I’m pretty sure you guessed I was having a melt down.

I do feel a little better about it all now.

I’m trying my damndest to see the positives and think of it as an experience.

A building brick to help towards something bigger.

It’s hard but I’m trying.

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6 thoughts on “Employment, Anxiety, Karma & Bricks

  1. Congratulations are still in order!
    You tackled a huge hurdle in attending the job interview and then in impressing them enough to be offered the job! That’s fantastic!
    And what’s more, you were adaptive enough to decline the position upon realisation that the idea was not practical, which shows great forethought and planning.
    This was absolutely a BIG stepping stone!
    I’ve no doubt you will find something more suitable and fantastic in the long run! 🙂
    Aimee xx

    • I seriously can not thank you enough for your outlook. It’s so easy to be negative towards myself and the way you put it, really does put it into perspective. I’m constantly taking little steps to try and help myself, this was as you said a big one and I survived it. Thank you Aimee for all your help and support.
      Charlotte 🙂

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