Dissolved By Dissociation

You know how I mentioned my ‘erratic moods’ last week?

Well it seems it was a pre-emptive warning.

On Friday night I exploded, combining all ten moods into one.

It was a mood in which I have not found myself in for years and this time?

… I can’t even put it into words.

But I’ll try to explain.

I’m just so ashamed of myself.

I don’t know how I got in such a state. It was like a dream or in this case a nightmare.

At two o’clock in the morning my head was swimming with a million thoughts.

It felt like every single bad thought or worry I had, had in the last few months was paying a visit.

All bad. All overwhelming. All all-consuming.

I just didn’t know what to do.

I felt so alone.

The irony was that I wasn’t. Glen was passed out drunk beside me in bed and even this my head twisted and made my fault.

“THE REASON HE DRINKS IS BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU FAT UGLY MESS! IT’S PROBABLY THE ONLY WAY HE CAN BEAR TO BE WITH YOU!”

The next thing I know, I was on the floor, wedged between my wardrobe and my bedside table, sobbing uncontrollably, having an argument with myself and holding a pair of scissors.

It was so unreal. It’s hard to explain but it’s like I wasn’t ‘me’.

I was just an observer and all I could do was watch.

I had no control.

I cut myself, and it wasn’t just once or twice, I ripped my legs apart and cut them to shreds.

Wolverine would be proud.

But I’m not. I’m so disgusted with myself, it’s unbearable.

Two years of no cutting, dissolved within minutes.

I can’t believe what I’ve done and I don’t really understand it at all.

It’s like I was possessed, totally dissociated with my own body and actions.

Dissolved By Dissociation

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3 thoughts on “Dissolved By Dissociation

  1. I’m so very sorry you feel that way. You can do this again. Remember that you made it two years. You can make it three years. Relapse is something we do. We can over come it. I’m here for you as you have for me. XX

    • I know, it just shocked me. I really lost control and it scared me. I’m feeling a little more together now but I’ve noticed my ‘negative voice’ has increased more… It won’t leave me alone! I’m trying my hardest to fight it though xx

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