Suffocating But Breathing

Is it me or do you find that there is always that one month that is hella busier then all the rest?

You know, the one that contains all the birthdays, anniversaries, occasions, family meetings, social gatherings, general outings, etc, etc.

Well, every single year, without fail, April seems to be my chaotic month and this year has been no different.

With all the drama going on I haven’t had time to blog, so today, I’ve holed up in my study, shut the door, put my music on loud and decided to update you on everything that’s been going on.

Are you ready?

Deep breath, followed by fast talking, starting in…

3.

2.

1.

Floating thoughtlessly: (Linked post: ‘An Unsettled Ghost’)
I still find myself floating, it’s not been as often as before but it’s still occurring. It’s like a dark chasm that sucks you in unawares, you find yourself blinking out of it, asking yourself how you got there and wondering where your thoughts and mind have been.

Dealing with depression: (Linked post: ‘Everything I Am’)
It’s a constant battle… Every fucking day.
I feel an extreme hate towards myself. I want to hurt myself, I want to rip myself apart, I want to end my stupid pathetic existence. But I can’t do it to myself. If I do it, I will hurt the feelings of those around me. They will be disappointed in me and ashamed of me. I don’t want that responsibility.

Debating about doctors: (Linked post: ‘Dissolved by Disassociation’)
I’ve not self harmed again, since that weird night last week but there has been ‘odd’ moments. I don’t quite trust myself or feel myself. I’m debating about going to the doctors to talk about it but I hate going, so I remain undecided on the matter.

Being a moody bitch: (Linked Post: ‘The Moods of Me’)
I would currently describe my moods as erratic in behaviour and sensitive to change. Beware.

Making assumptions: (Linked Post: ‘Overwhelmed by Homer Simpson’)
I was sent for another blood test about six weeks ago, to see if I have Gilbert’s Syndrome but I haven’t heard anything back, so I’m assuming I’m in the all clear?

Being a relation to Gollum: (Linked Post: ‘Overwhelmed by Homer Simpson’)
My hair is still falling out and thinning so I’ve been referred to see a Dermatologist Specialist. Eight weeks on and I’m still waiting for just a waiting list acknowledgement letter.

Hopelessly hunting: (Linked Post: ‘Employment, Anxiety, Karma & Bricks’)
Still job hunting and still regretting turning down that first offer. I hope karma cools off soon and allows me a second chance. Please. Pretty, pretty please.

… And exhale!

So this is where I will leave you.

There’s more I could waffle on about but your ears would fall off, so I’ll end by saying this:

As always, life throws a million and one things to deal with all at once.

For an anxiety sufferer those million and one things, big or small, are suffocating.

Somehow, I’m still managing to breathe.

Just about.

Suffocating

 

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4 thoughts on “Suffocating But Breathing

  1. I’m with you. Although I’m getting better, I still go nuts every once in a while. With me, these busy times are always the beginning of summer. As if everyone goes crazy for the sun and starts arranging parties.

  2. Lots here I can relate to. It’s October for me – full of birthdays (including mine!) and I very rarely get chance to do anything.

    I really understand where you’re coming from in terms of coping with depression. It’s hard and a constant struggle. I find blogging helps and then I take lots of exercise. Some days I’m actually happy.

    Really enjoyed reading the blog. Thanks for sharing.

    • Hey Harv,
      October is actually my quiet month, the opposite to my April and ironically 6 months a part! I’m really happy you’ve enjoyed reading and it’s good to know you can relate too. I look forward to connecting and chatting with you some more!
      Charlotte 🙂

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