How time flies? – Not when your having fun but when your so damn busy you didn’t even realise the time flew past you.
Two months now. Two months I have been an employed person.
Still unbelievable. Still unreal.
I’m a smart person but even I can’t work out how I’ve managed so far.
It’s mad – Ironically.
It’s been hard and it is hard.
BUT it is getting easier.
Within the first week of starting work I came down with the flu.
(It’s natural for me to become ill when I’m stressed, even when I don’t realise I’m stressed.)
Yet, riddled with flu I still dragged my ass into work. It made me super anxious and it was pretty horrific but somehow I managed.
Adjusting too. I’ve surprised myself there.
Trying to find a new routine occupied my mind the majority of time.
The control freak in me – freaking out.
I kept writing down different schedules for the week, trying to work out how to fill every spare minute. I even went as far as trying to plan everything I ate and drank.
My whole life and routine had been turned on it’s head so I was trying to control anything I could, to try and regain some balance. That element of needing and wanting control.
For example, one Friday evening I got in such a state because I hadn’t been able to complete everything on my “to-do” list for that week.
That had never happened before.
My lists gave me purpose, they filled my week with “meaningful” tasks, like emptying the bin and hoovering the floor. Yet that particular week I hadn’t been able to get everything done.
And honestly, it destroyed me.
I felt like a failure. I felt overwhelmed by all these stupid little tasks that I couldn’t get done.
It’s taken me a while to learn and accept but I can’t do everything like I did before. I haven’t got the time anymore.
I’ve now stopped trying to plan my routine down to every second of the day. I have a rough idea of what I would like to do and I just try to do it.
I’ve also stopped writing lists. I know the things I would like to get done during the week, I don’t need a bit of paper tormenting me about it. If I get it done, I get it done. If not there is always next week – Who knew a super anxious control freak like me could say that!?
As I said though, it’s not easy.
Every day is a new challenge, with new bad thoughts, new anxious feelings and new controlling impulses and urges.
What keeps me going? What keeps me fighting?
WANTING and NEEDING to change who I’ve become in this mental fog.
And you could do it too.