What A Whirlwind (Part 3)

Tuesday 5th May

The weekend gave me time to think. And all I could think was:

A) They gave me an interview out of pity. Also because they have to appear fair to all and seen as I’m classed as disabled they kind of had to. Fair equality and all that.

B) Even if they did offer me an interview for these reasons it meant moot. Either way I was grateful for the experience. I was proud of myself for going through with it. And it proved that I’m stronger then I think.

C) Plus I was pretty sure from my bad answers, terrible honesty and general chit chat that I wasn’t going to get the job so I could forget about it all.

So, you can imagine my shock when:

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What A Whirlwind (Part 1)


Karma cooled off!

(And I WILL NOT over think it… And how I mentioned it in my last post… And how I pleaded for it to allow me a second chance… And how I’ve now been given a second chance… And how I’m now a little freaked out about the whole weird karma magicalness-ness… NO! I WILL NOT! … Okay, so maybe a little bit then.)

ANYWAY… As I was saying, karma cooled off and it cooled off big time.

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Suffocating But Breathing

Is it me or do you find that there is always that one month that is hella busier then all the rest?

You know, the one that contains all the birthdays, anniversaries, occasions, family meetings, social gatherings, general outings, etc, etc.

Well, every single year, without fail, April seems to be my chaotic month and this year has been no different.

With all the drama going on I haven’t had time to blog, so today, I’ve holed up in my study, shut the door, put my music on loud and decided to update you on everything that’s been going on.

Are you ready?

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Depression Is Winning


I hang on to the improbable dream that I will (ironically) hang myself.

It’s a dream and a daze that has been captivating me for weeks.

I feel hopeless and I feel useless.

I thought I was getting better.

But the strain of everything is tugging on my sad strings, making them whine and shriek.

I’m not okay.

I thought I was conquering mountains but it seems they where only hills and I’ve been rolling back down them, tumbling hard.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but these are different – even these are twisted and manipulated by depression’s cruel humour.

In my mind I imagine it unfolding… I shut myself away in my bedroom, I lock the door and I leave a note attached outside saying:

“Please don’t find me like this. Just call the authorities. It’s over – I’m over. I’m sorry.”

But just as I start to imagine myself dropping from the noose, the rope snaps and I fall pathetically to the ground.

My mind roars at me with great thundering laughter at my pitiful existence.

With hysterics it sniggers and taunts me about how I’m even too fat to commit suicide, about how I’m SUCH A FUCKING JOKE!

… How fucked up is that?

I can’t even have suicidal thoughts without depression’s distorted input.

A Years Reflection

That crept up on me quickly!

When did it seriously become winter and get so close to Christmas?

I suppose this will be my last post before the new year, so it’s time to reflect!

People say it all the time, but my gosh hasn’t it been a roller coaster of a year

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