An Anxious Working Girl

How time flies? – Not when your having fun but when your so damn busy you didn’t even realise the time flew past you.

Two months now. Two months I have been an employed person.

Still unbelievable. Still unreal.

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What A Whirlwind (Part 2)

Friday 1st May (Continued)

So I asked my Mum to go with me. Not to the interview, obviously! But just to accompany me so I knew she would be near by in case I needed her: part safety behaviour / part reassurance / part coping mechanism.

I got there early and scouted out the area to help calm me a little, then, when 3:45pm came, I reported to the customer service desk.

“Yeah, yeah. Please sign in and just stand over there with the rest.”

I looked to the left to discover a group of 6 nervous looking people, all wearing interview clothes.

“Erm, I’m sorry, I think you’ve made a mistake. I’m supposed to be having a one-to-one interview with Claire the manager…”

“No. I haven’t. Stand over there with them.”


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What A Whirlwind (Part 1)


Karma cooled off!

(And I WILL NOT over think it… And how I mentioned it in my last post… And how I pleaded for it to allow me a second chance… And how I’ve now been given a second chance… And how I’m now a little freaked out about the whole weird karma magicalness-ness… NO! I WILL NOT! … Okay, so maybe a little bit then.)

ANYWAY… As I was saying, karma cooled off and it cooled off big time.

Story telling mode now beginning… Continue reading

Suffocating But Breathing

Is it me or do you find that there is always that one month that is hella busier then all the rest?

You know, the one that contains all the birthdays, anniversaries, occasions, family meetings, social gatherings, general outings, etc, etc.

Well, every single year, without fail, April seems to be my chaotic month and this year has been no different.

With all the drama going on I haven’t had time to blog, so today, I’ve holed up in my study, shut the door, put my music on loud and decided to update you on everything that’s been going on.

Are you ready?

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Depression Is Winning


I hang on to the improbable dream that I will (ironically) hang myself.

It’s a dream and a daze that has been captivating me for weeks.

I feel hopeless and I feel useless.

I thought I was getting better.

But the strain of everything is tugging on my sad strings, making them whine and shriek.

I’m not okay.

I thought I was conquering mountains but it seems they where only hills and I’ve been rolling back down them, tumbling hard.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but these are different – even these are twisted and manipulated by depression’s cruel humour.

In my mind I imagine it unfolding… I shut myself away in my bedroom, I lock the door and I leave a note attached outside saying:

“Please don’t find me like this. Just call the authorities. It’s over – I’m over. I’m sorry.”

But just as I start to imagine myself dropping from the noose, the rope snaps and I fall pathetically to the ground.

My mind roars at me with great thundering laughter at my pitiful existence.

With hysterics it sniggers and taunts me about how I’m even too fat to commit suicide, about how I’m SUCH A FUCKING JOKE!

… How fucked up is that?

I can’t even have suicidal thoughts without depression’s distorted input.